It's my birthday month, and I'm trying to be brave. I'm not exactly sure what that means, and that's part of it.
I turn 55 on August 11. There's something about this place in life that finds me extra-reflective. On a bad day, I feel sad, and imagine that I'm forgotten, old, done, irrelevant, any number of words. On a good day, which is most days thankfully, I feel fortunate to even still be here, much less writing messages to people who don't even know me, but who care enough about me & my ideas to help me keep going. The tears then, and by then I mean now, are something beyond happy. Through those shifts, I've lived long enough to start to see the long arc of whatever this human animal existence is. The beginning is getting pretty distant, the end is coming into view, and wherever I am is disorienting. I've seen in myself and others how good and bad habits start to pile up and push in one direction or another. I'm seeing how some stories end, after watching them unfold over the last several decades. I'm wondering how mine will end. I'm using my fear of mortality as motivation. If I've got ideas, it's time to try them. Here are some, with some thoughts. Any thoughts you've got are welcome & wanted. That's part of this, really. Okay, some rambles:
I don't want to be on social media much, or maybe at all. As I was stumbling into in this life of making things for a living 30 years ago, the internet was stumbling to life. I instantly loved the possibility of being in touch personally across the globe, essentially for free. I was also terrified about what it might turn into, as I've seen what we did with fire, the printing press, cars, tv, all the impossibly powerful tech that ended up being used so poorly. I did my best to use the internet well, and always will. For me, that means staying focused on the personal part. It's always been my favorite, and these days I miss it more & more. What does that mean for my career, my identity, my money? I'm not sure. I just know that I want to keep trying to do it in ways that are fun for me, and if it works, great. If not, that's okay too. Rejection is redirection. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll actually stop using it, or just continue to step back.
The picture at the bottom of this message is a still from a video I made on my phone, using some retro vhs software because it felt right. The video is me singing along to a song I wrote 40-ish years ago, when I was 15. There were other songs happening around then, but this was the first one with a chorus that people would just sing. They'd say it was stuck in their heads. At the time, that part was surreal, and it was a sugary treat for my identity whenever anyone would say they liked it. Looking back on it, it's kind of a sad and desperate song, really, and that's the part that really matters to me now. I can hear that kid struggling, and turning the pain into something that soothed me and gave me an outlet for all the angst. Whether or not anyone else ever heard it, it was kinda my best friend. In many ways, songs still are that for me.
All this has ever been is me trying to trade my time and ideas for your money. It's all any of are doing, really. It's the simplest thing, and the most profound. I'm trying to exist, be safe, stay healthy, just like everyone else. Some people trade their time in the form of a regular job, some people open little stores to sell food or clothes. I do pretty much the same thing, except I sell songs, books, ideas, etc, and sometimes clothes & merch related to them. I like to do that as directly & personally as possible. The Yard Sale is always there, and I'm gonna try doing it more directly than that, even thought we're far away. I'm going to try via email, and at streaming shows. More on that soon.
Speaking of physical space, a conflict: I don't like leaving home as much anymore, and I miss being in person with you. I don't know exactly what to do about that, but I do know that every time I've trusted you/us, it's worked out. I'm beyond grateful to the booking agents who have helped along the way, and in the end, especially for the last 20 years, it's been about us. The tours have gotten shorter and more personal every year. So here we are. I know I'm on the east coast for a week in October. I'm going there to play a house show for some rad people, and I'm figuring out what else I can do while I'm in the area. I think that's the way it's gonna work from here on out: Some entity (be it a festival, a club, a store, a person) will invite me to play, and then I'll do what I can while I'm around.
Another conflict: I have lots of thoughts, and I get tired of trying to type them, or even talk about them. Part of that feels lovely, in that I'm speaking less and listening more. Part of it feels like depression. Anyway, I'm going to stop here, try turning some of this into comprehensible emails with offers that hopefully feel fun and interesting enough for you that you continue to support me in helping them happen.
When I say I love you, I mean it.
